28 Nov 15-- trip with family at JB

Almost had an argument with my parents during the 2 hours of KTV... All things become so sucky when it ended and had to step out from that dark room.

And then faced everyone with our moody attitude...

I didnt know I had such an attitude to others until I ignored a young saleboy... As well as hearing in and out from nagging mum, and keeping my mouth shut from commenting anything.

BUT...

Leaving aside the negativity, perhaps it is normal to show our own negative self to your family even in public. Maybe... this may even allows us to accept our true-self and not afraid to show it to our close ones. Naturally, it will make us feel more comfortable to express ourselves and enjoy people company when we are free to be ourselves.

Guess it is not always a bad thing to argue with our parents quite "once awhile" in public ^-^

But... Hey, my mum was actually nagging about me in a public toilet where there were people around... *that was so embarrassing* I could only argue a little, kept quiet and slowly leave the toilet. ^-^"



I always hope and envious of seeing small group of friends meeting up together... They could be small but I could feel that they are just like small family filled with warmth... Heck I even saw a gal digging gold infront of her friends. *salute*  And you can see that they are happily conversing random stuff, and halfway thru when they realised enjoyed each other company, they laughed out lightly with no reason...

That sense of pure bliss was priceless... it was as if it is their second home right after their family.

I hope I could do the same for my poly gal friends... Can't believe that I hugged her after not seeing her physically for a few months only... And to my dear, I hope I could see my dear opened up to his friends truthfully as rather than talking to break the ice although it was good...

And to end with a happy song! :)

Nothing to feel proud of myself....

Hello blog,

It was really boring to stay at home all day due to my sickness. Cant believe that how much I have changed when I really love to stay at home all day long 2 years ago...

I guess habit and lifestyle really could just change drastically...

I keep pondering about life, people around me and fantasy where I could be freed and away from my parents... Wonder how it freed it will be that I could make my own decision, all the rubbish that I made myself... and learn what living yourself truly mean... And perhaps I could change into a person who know everything... able to think... and plan correctly...

I also ponder on future... how the person or the people that I love think of me... Am I naive... Am I dumb... Am I useless to them... And lastly how much I give them what they need or rather if I have the ability to give them what they need...

I'm sorry for the people that try hard to love and accept me... because I myself was nothing worth to be known... I cant do things properly... Nothing for them to wow... and basically just a boring gal who just trying to look for own life...

I'm so envious of friends that are able to taste live fully... experience it fully... and their courage to do it....

Should I go for it too?

Should I make the step to live away from my parents... ?

Or maybe be the least extreme way, like going holiday on a solo trip or with friends .... if there is...

Sometimes I just wished I could be away from them... stop hearing their criticism ... stop interfering...

And I guessed I shouldnt have involved the person that love me and suffer by my own insecurity and imperfections... My own internal problems...

I love them all... but I do not want to be the burden for them. I am fine with myself living this life like this alone but do not wish my other half going thru the same stuff as me... If there is need I would let go of him... Find the right person that you deserve...

And then at the same time, I will look for time to heal me... Searching for my own life... Learn myself more. And when I gained my own acceptance and love myself, I guess I will invite my other half to share my new life... Something that I could finally be proud of myself...

Thought Post...

One-sided "love" is so painful...

27 August Though Post

Why people have to keep proving and showing others that they can do well... Why can't they just lay back and enjoy the process...

Why can't everyone be nice and stop comparing themselves with others...

I am one of the people that compared to others as well, but definitely I have my own belief that I will do well within my own pace.

I would rather believe in myself than anyone else in the world... 

I am sure I will find people that fall as the same pace as me and not risking myself to push so much hardship just to get that stupid recognition.

Life is all about learning together and get tougher together but why is it that they are so cold... Even if one fall behind, they should support and encourage him or her, even if they themselves are already far ahead... This society is just too independent...

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And I don't have to be cruel and cold to others to show that I can fight for myself or stand up for myself.

I could be soft-hearted... but I would rather believe in not suffering with guilt, than being self-centered... I could be at times get exploited or make use ... but I have never regret having that soft-heart of mine. Because, if it weren't for this, I would never have met the people and become friends... and gained meaningful lesson from the tough experience and sadness. 

Of course, at times, because of such crucial decision needed to make in order to change our own life better, being hard is necessary. But, I would not let myself take over by the selfish and hard-hearted side of me. Once awhile will do. To be a little thick-faced and an asshole. 

I have my own way of standing up for myself, probably the soft and quiet way of doing it. I would not show my attitude of standing up for myself, but definitely I am using actions and result to prove it. 

My nature is not that as aggressive as others. So stop saying as if you know me... 

24 August Sad Thought Post....

So sad thought that I could at least share my gaming woes with this person. But in the end he just completely ignored it... and continued on with the other conversation. :( For so long, it was only me playing alone and solo, and now when I feel comfortable to share with someone, it turns out that he would ignore it...

Really break my heart and the friendship trust. All the number of days chatting non-stop and enjoying chatting randomly. Now when I need a listening ear and attention, I realised I couldn't rely on him...

What I thought that he is such a nice friend turned out to me that he is just like any other. Claiming that he is a listener but when it turned to something he is not interested in, he stop listening. At the least he could have done, is to listen my gaming woes...

Even when the topic or stuff that you said turned me off, I still spend the energy to really listen... Otherwise why you would feel the conversation is so engrossed. All these are two-way stuff... idiot...

You can't expect every person to be perfect in order to be your talking buddy...

Probably it's karma that your friends not listening to what you said.

What kind of person you are made the same kinds of friend you are with.

I have seen guys my age are still able to make and keep in touch with gaming friends, but I have none... I am just only a casual player. Why can't I be one of them. To have friends that I can game with and skype... Complain, share and help one another. I have always been friendly in real life.. even when I start to know some gaming people, it turned out we played a different game. None of them play my favourite game...

True, I could have played their game to join in the fun, and bond. I had no problem. But what I really wish is to have a group of friends playing my favourite game. Chat and share, discuss or even argue so intensely. Even a single friend is also suffice. I can't force to play game that they are not interested, but at least they could just listen...

You claimed you are so free... but in fact, you are only free with the stuff that you want. I had so much hope and reliant on you but now you disappoint me...

I guess there is no point for me to invest so much time in talking to you anyway... It's not worth it. I will continue to be friend but I won't be so devoted in nurturing this friendship... And also not going to entertain your boredom so often...

You reap what you sow... bastard...

Hate you for being such a cold bastard. You have so many friends and circle, but serve you rights for not able to find the right one you can confide in and close with... 

22 August 2015 Recording thought post...

Finally learnt something out from chord progression on my piano.

But it was a SLOW SLOW SLOW learning progression -.- so much that I wonder if it is possible for a non-talent to make out their own progression. 

After spending 4 hours of fiddling around random keys and notes... I decided to choose a Cmajor chord. 

Not sure if this is the right way, i create a few block chord out from my left hand and play consecutively to find out if it sound nice with different random chord progression... It was easy based on the years of playing piano and common chords that appeared commonly in many music sheet...

But for melody part, it was harder... Without any inspiration or a vague melody played in my mind, I couldn't formed a melody out plainly from touching the piano... And furthermore, Cmajor do not have interesting scales or notes as compared to the rest of the keys, although it is the simplest among all. 

I tried out with other major keys with sharp but it was even harder to think out of a nice melody... It was mentally exhausting, as if I was not meant to compose music out... 

But at the end of the day, I managed to compose a short short music out with a few bars only. 

And my first music created out, I named it as "Sunrise Again"! 

Why Sunrise? Maybe C major do has a beginning kind of sound and the melody itself has an ease and smooth aura sound... (just maybe ><) whyAgain? Cos the melody itself has a obvious repeating patterns... haha

Going back, for the melody part I tried to make a pattern that it is a third apart and to make it simple and straightforward. Because of that, the whole song sound a little common or uninteresting haha... then based on the chords I created out from left hand, I progressed the previous melody to the next... and lastly not forgetting the last part... to make melody sound like a cadence.

Okay, finally, for the last touch, I repeat all the melody and chords and wrote it down on the piece of paper. Then I wrote down the chords down for each note along with roman numbers. 

Surprisingly, the pattern of the roman numbers are aligned with the one that are listed as the acceptable chord progression, with cadence ended on IV-I. It was nice! :)

Hope my next step in learning chord progression and melody will be more interesting and able to take on new key as well. Probably my weakness right now is thinking out a melody. And hope that there is a method to overcome it :( 

And to prove to them that I could be a useful part of keyboardist in the band ! >:)

*will upload my first composed music soon* ^^

"Music isn't about competition"

回头不再看

如果有一天我会跟另外一个男的在一起的时候， 你会这么做？

如果有一天我们成了陌生人，我们会不会只是擦身而过？

如果有一天你看到我和另外一个男身开开心心的玩，你会不会后悔?

你这么努力地忘记我，你会不会后悔？

努力收藏你的悲伤，在我面前表现着毫无感觉的眼神。你这么那么容易能忘记我？

难道你就可以这么那么容易放弃我吗？

为什么，你对我已经没有感觉了？

到底我做了什么， 为什么不要告诉我。。。

为什么。。。

Reminiscing him again

Today went off to have a short walk around the mountain top...

It was so quiet and peaceful... that I realised the amount of worries I had all the time is nothing as compared to the world outside, as compared to the beauty of Mother Nature.

It was so hard to describe how beautiful standing on the mountain top is... How beautiful the view is... It was such a pity that I did not bring my phone along. Sigh.

BUT I can describe the calmness I felt. It was really a sudden urge of gentleness and calmness that had made me open myself up to this huge-ness.  It taught me to see things in a different angle... Hmmm... All the time we were always so busy and caught up in our own daily life within our four walls... within our own circle of life. 

I guess when we experience life in a different angle, we will realise how small our problems are, how small our worries are... 

As I sat down on the ledge of the mountain road, I began to ponder about all the worries I had with him... 

With an overwhelming peaceful state of mind of my own, I dug out and learnt my most purest (It think so) form of feeling of him. I love him to bits... And this naked feeling... I found out that our shared feeling were exclusive. Maybe because this is my first love... As though nothing can be replaced. We were so much alike, as though me and him are becoming as one person. It was like this person does not exist besides me though he was physically besides me... That comfort was there.

How I wish I could share this beautiful moment with him.

And then tell him what I had written here.

Hold hands together and walk along the mountain road... No need to talk but enjoy the peaceful and thought about our own life...

I love him...

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Probably I should change my career as well. I felt I am so belong to Mother Nature... Work myself with the trees and animals... Fill my life with these beautiful sceneries.

Forget the pain. Embrace the beauty.

Please let me believe in this. Because my mind has been going on for battle for weeks...
Please hold onto me...

我的小小的世界

人人都常跟我说：

“对人要小心， 不要容易被骗。人说什么未必是对的。。。不要傻傻地被跟”

不过不管我这么做。这么不理。 我始终还是那个傻傻那个笨笨的 女人。 

那个单纯的本性总是阻止我

总是让我烦恼

让我很虚弱

让我心软。。。

在我这个小小的世界里， 我曾相信人的好。每个人都有好的一面。 但是人害怕受伤所以决定只保护自己。 

自己曾经也是这样。 

不过发现心里很难受。 发现自己总不快乐。。。

有时很羡慕这些坚强自我的人， 能够坚持自己的承诺。 答应自己不会再受同样的伤。。。

而我是个容易受到外影响。容易从痛苦中逃掉，害怕我不能坚持下去。。。

最后决定放开我自己。 噢尔在生活上会被从前的痛苦喊呐着我。

但是那个单纯的我让我相信好的一面。相信只要你传达好的气，别人也会还你。

曾经有个原则， 说“别把事情搞得复杂。 简简单单就好了“

但是长大的过程中发现周围的人没有带着同样的原则。 

噢尔对他们感到烦恼。。。

问自己为什么要为他们感到烦恼。

现在的我发现了。

发现原则是从我们的行动制出来了。

从幻想中做出自己的原则总是让自己不开心。让自己感到困难。

何必要这样辛苦呢？

或许学着接受自己的弱点。自己不完美的地方学着放开， 让自己爱上你自己。

就而言之你会发现有些事情是小小的事。

是我们的不安的缺点让我们很焦急。。。

现在说了这么多， 自己才发现单纯和不完美是如何有什么关系的呢？

。。。。。。。。。。。。

现在我的原则就是 “好好地把事做好， 不要让自己留下内疚的心。”

再见了秉志 goodbye love.... [bz]

离开你很幸苦。。。
一个月过了。但是我的心还是依然为了你而哭泣。


看到你试着地放开我
而我自己的倔强，执著又让你回到伤心的日子

对不起。。。

我会跟我自己说“我会好好地安慰自己。好好的面对自己的寂寞与悲伤。不会再把你卷入我的悲伤”

你就放心吧·秉志

不用再为我感到伤心了

不用再为了承诺而受到委屈。。。

跟着你崭新的生活重新寻回你的快乐和梦想

我会好好地祝福你。。。

我会默默地在你生活消失。

再见了秉志。



不晓在那个未来能让我的心完全地放下你的小鸡就对你说：

“就此一游。。。 亲爱”

“看伤心慢慢痊愈 我会好好地安慰我自己
宁愿相信你 只是突然改变了决定 去了另一个美丽城市
也等着我入境” 

-郭静，不药而愈

Emo Song #1 and again my thoughts about him

Playing this song on loop because the lyric itself does somehow describe what I thought of him...

Lately, I have been feeling depressed and sad... Err no maybe I am sad and emo every single day... Thinking about the fact that he will contact me or not... and hoping someone could comfort me... hope I could recover faster... hope I can complete IPPT ASAP...

Pray that everything can happen... Just like a magic wand... One swing and all my wishes came true...

Today I saw him posted a video in FB. Finally he did... god... I have been thinking what has happened to him for the past few weeks... Why he stopped posting...

I felt sad when I realised that he could have move on and feel much better and happier than me ever since we stop contacting. It was as though I was the only one being left alone... being stuck in here. He probably do not need me at all anymore... It is better off to never contact at all. :(

His video post left some comments and I saw someone I did not know commented. It is probably his new friend he met in his new base... I guess he will forget me once he gets into his next stage of career... his new environment and working lifestyle... He will be happier at there and decided to let go of our promises...

So many times I told myself that I will keep myself busy and indeed I had written down all the list. What only left for me is to start doing them. But then I told myself I will start doing them once he begin to contact me back... so that I can finally relieved myself for fulfilling our promises.

Before that, the only thing I can forget my sadness is to keep playing... Until it is time to sleep.

Then keep playing Dota with guy friends and LoL...

I will be waiting Bing...

First gaming with friends!

Yayy! I finally got a chance to game with friends! Weee! Even though they are all guy friends but still it is better than nothing!

I am so glad that they asked and invited me. Finally I am able to enjoy doing the things I enjoyed with friends. Thank you! :')

Ever since I started to fall in love with gaming, I have never dare to tell my friends to play especially female. Because I feel they will judge me as being "no life" and "you-are-not-a-guy". I don't know but there is always a certain expectation you have to show in front of your friend... Probably that is the reason why I have never really open my heart out.

Although I would prefer playing LoL with them rather than Dota 2, I want to use this opportunity to have a try what it feels like to play with friends with the thing you love to do...

Thanks god for giving me this opportunities to experience. Thanks :)

Dear BZ, Still keeping promises?

I saw my ex-coursemate today on the bus... and had a small talk.

He asked me, "How is bing zhi?"

Then I said,"we stopped contact for awhile. Maybe we will contact again in the future. Maybe not..."

I saw his instant surprised look... and asked again,"are you serious?"

"Ya..."

Somehow my expression was awkwardly calm but unconsciously, my mind told me that I should not keep thinking backward whenever I tried to thought about the hope of contacting back again.

And so, after a short silence, he composed himself and back to his normal expression.

I wanted to tell him that I wish he [BZ] could call and meet me again... But I know doing that will find myself trying to whine in front of a guy. Which is an ugly sight... It is better off that I keep it to myself and write it here.

Then he jokingly told me, "oh you already found someone you like at there ah?"

And of course not, I am still planning to wait for him 1-2 months first... Uncontrollably I found myself blushing as if I am fantasising again. :'( because I know if I expected too much for myself, I will be the one hurting myself the most. So the best description is only "fantasizing"...

Just like a girl fantasizing her own idol...her crush. Because she knows it is impossible.

The reason I said that we may not be contacting in the future is the fact that we had an argument during NC period because of tweets issue. I know it seems small right now but at that time I felt too disappointed that I had to let him know... and because of the argument, I began to think if he had changed his mind of not contacting me back.

I chose to remain not asking him back even after NC because I do not want to always be the one initiating. If he wants to contact me, he would have done so... And I wish he will contact me...
=======================================================================

Tomorrow is a good friday. And is a public holiday. I thought it was a very good opportunity for us to meet up the first time after no contact. But from the silence reply or message I didn't received, I guess it wasn't.

Maybe...because of the argument during NC that he decided to contact me back exactly after 30 days of not total contacting.

Or maybe... he feels it is better off we never contact each other again.

Either way and I try to stop myself keep contemplating them... Because of them, I had made my mistake again just like the twitter incident... and caused me a lot of unnecessary worries.

I decided to blog it out here because I wanted to release this pathetic state of mine. I felt I was a ball waiting to be rolled and thrown around... It was pathetic. I wanted him to contact me back but I had to give him the space, time and respect. As I am writing this now, I do not know why but wonder how he feels right now.

I wanted to know the answer but I know he can easily feel pressurized... and if it does, he probably feel it is better off we stop contacting. I couldn't imagined this happened. And so, I would rather write everything here than asking him directly...

I wish he could read this... understand where I am coming from... It was hard for me to tell you directly because I know if I said wrongly, I worried you will let go of me... even as a friend. Even now, writing all these feeling and thoughts here, I feel I was about to burst into tears.

I probably couldn't bear the thought of losing you completely. Or maybe it was disappointment.

I wish but can only fantasize that we are going out on Good Friday and not staying at home gaming and do other stuff. We will be chatting happily, asking each other days during NC and the happenings while sitting on bus and travelling aimlessly. With no worry at all.

Before I end this post, let listen to this song. Because it relates to how I feels right now...

:emo:

Another Day of Missing him has passed... And learning to get better

A few more days left and it is officially our first month of NC... We agreed to keep NC for a month and then we back to friends... Somehow my heart seem to refuse the thought of being friend probably because I know it won't be easy. And I feel that you won't be contacting me back anytime soon after March. I wouldn't dare to pin so much on what I called for promises from you...

Sometimes I would miss you... Missing the day when we held hands together. Missing the day when I could pour my heart out and talk to you. Missing the times when we were so close and spent our "mushy" period.  But, last but not least I miss your gentleness... You were always so gentle and kind whenever I felt I needed help. All the times I thought I was strong enough to prepare for a longer and stable relationship with you. But never knew I would become fragile one day and felt so emotional and depressed thinking of giving up... If you ever ask me if I regretted making the choice. I didn't. However I didn't expected myself to have a hard times going through NC and breakup.

Initially, I wanted back together... because I realised I couldn't handled the thought of "missing you" well. I thought the reason I miss you was I really love you and couldn't live without you. But ever since, I initiated the quarrel with you of questioning our feelings toward each other. I finally felt the pit of utter disappointment. I was again pinning myself on you. It was my own doing of making myself hurt so much. The anger within me and the fear of hurting again were the main motivation for me to get through the "missing" period. Honestly speaking, sometimes I would still go back to gym hoping that we would bump onto each other again but refuse to think this will break our NC... Other times I convinced myself that I have to keep the promise of NC. 

It was ironic.

Now things were getting better... I felt my "missing you" heart was healing itself. I learnt to embrace myself to the people who still love me, opened my heart only to my loved ones. Never ever thought my mother embrace was so warm and peaceful. I hugged her just like I hugged you. Somehow my heavy heart had got itself lifted up and feel like this period doesn't seem to be such a huge problem. 

I still miss you... I miss the times we were together. But my mind seem to shut off all the problems we had and gradually I stop thinking about regaining back our relationship... Not forever... but maybe just for now... I don't know... I don't want to terrify myself with all the worry. All I know is I have to get though this period first. 

Getting throught this period is definitely never easy no matter how broken a relationship can be. I thought I almost fall into depression because of the depressed feeling lingering within me for days. My thought were filled with negativity, Even though right now I was surrounded with lively people, I am still feeling depressed... All I wanted was a space for me to "mourn". A lot of other things happened and when they are all accumulated up, I realised I was about to explode. I knew I was going to hurt the people who loved me consciously but I wanted to look for ways to relief "sandwhiched" feeling... 

I felt I changed. 

I am becoming more tempered more easily. My brother told me "you shouldn't do this...shouldn't do that". But I realised that I get frustrated so easily and things didn't get to my head before I relieved again... 

It was such an ugly sight of myself. And I do not have the courage to face you... to be friend with you. I am afraid I would do the same to you. Part of me hope we can meet up and contact each other again soon but another me hope you wouldn't contact me anytime soon until I settled my emotional issue...

I watched a show and it was quite true with the quote saying, 

"Time will never heal the wound, but it will only help you get used to the hurt."

Probably our relationship was just a small peasy problem as compared to other people going through. But this gives me a reason to tell myself I have to learn live through and stop waiting for time  to heal my emotion. Everything need effort. If one do not put in effort, thing will still remain the same.   Waiting for time to heal will just make you going thru this period at a longer and slower pace.Trying to get up and going thru this period will rather hasten the painful period.

For putting me going thru this period and again and again made me fall into disappointment. I wish you can apologise to me even though you don't intend to go back into relationship. All I want to hear from you is:

"Sorry that I have hurt you...." 

"I'm sorry."

I hope you realised you have hurt me enough. I don't want to hear any disappointment from you anymore... Maybe for now... maybe.

Right now the only thing I can do to myself is to learn to be more forgiving to myself. Tell myself that it is okay to miss. It is okay to let out your emotion... Don't worry Michelle, everything will be okay. You can do it. 

I learnt to continue to focus other stuffs... Keep myself busy... Embrace the people who still love and care for me... Time goes by and now I am getting better at it... I have begin to accept the fact that it is natural to miss the person who was once a part of you. At times I would reminiscence our sweet and loving period awhile but then full-stop. Move on and continue to where I stop. 

Goodbye my sweetheart. You finally did it what you firmly wanted.