Dear BZ, Still keeping promises?

I saw my ex-coursemate today on the bus... and had a small talk.

He asked me, "How is bing zhi?"

Then I said,"we stopped contact for awhile. Maybe we will contact again in the future. Maybe not..."

I saw his instant surprised look... and asked again,"are you serious?"

"Ya..."

Somehow my expression was awkwardly calm but unconsciously, my mind told me that I should not keep thinking backward whenever I tried to thought about the hope of contacting back again.

And so, after a short silence, he composed himself and back to his normal expression.

I wanted to tell him that I wish he [BZ] could call and meet me again... But I know doing that will find myself trying to whine in front of a guy. Which is an ugly sight... It is better off that I keep it to myself and write it here.

Then he jokingly told me, "oh you already found someone you like at there ah?"

And of course not, I am still planning to wait for him 1-2 months first... Uncontrollably I found myself blushing as if I am fantasising again. :'( because I know if I expected too much for myself, I will be the one hurting myself the most. So the best description is only "fantasizing"...

Just like a girl fantasizing her own idol...her crush. Because she knows it is impossible.

The reason I said that we may not be contacting in the future is the fact that we had an argument during NC period because of tweets issue. I know it seems small right now but at that time I felt too disappointed that I had to let him know... and because of the argument, I began to think if he had changed his mind of not contacting me back.

I chose to remain not asking him back even after NC because I do not want to always be the one initiating. If he wants to contact me, he would have done so... And I wish he will contact me...
=======================================================================

Tomorrow is a good friday. And is a public holiday. I thought it was a very good opportunity for us to meet up the first time after no contact. But from the silence reply or message I didn't received, I guess it wasn't.

Maybe...because of the argument during NC that he decided to contact me back exactly after 30 days of not total contacting.

Or maybe... he feels it is better off we never contact each other again.

Either way and I try to stop myself keep contemplating them... Because of them, I had made my mistake again just like the twitter incident... and caused me a lot of unnecessary worries.

I decided to blog it out here because I wanted to release this pathetic state of mine. I felt I was a ball waiting to be rolled and thrown around... It was pathetic. I wanted him to contact me back but I had to give him the space, time and respect. As I am writing this now, I do not know why but wonder how he feels right now.

I wanted to know the answer but I know he can easily feel pressurized... and if it does, he probably feel it is better off we stop contacting. I couldn't imagined this happened. And so, I would rather write everything here than asking him directly...

I wish he could read this... understand where I am coming from... It was hard for me to tell you directly because I know if I said wrongly, I worried you will let go of me... even as a friend. Even now, writing all these feeling and thoughts here, I feel I was about to burst into tears.

I probably couldn't bear the thought of losing you completely. Or maybe it was disappointment.

I wish but can only fantasize that we are going out on Good Friday and not staying at home gaming and do other stuff. We will be chatting happily, asking each other days during NC and the happenings while sitting on bus and travelling aimlessly. With no worry at all.

Before I end this post, let listen to this song. Because it relates to how I feels right now...

:emo: