A few more days left and it is officially our first month of NC... We agreed to keep NC for a month and then we back to friends... Somehow my heart seem to refuse the thought of being friend probably because I know it won't be easy. And I feel that you won't be contacting me back anytime soon after March. I wouldn't dare to pin so much on what I called for promises from you...
Sometimes I would miss you... Missing the day when we held hands together. Missing the day when I could pour my heart out and talk to you. Missing the times when we were so close and spent our "mushy" period. But, last but not least I miss your gentleness... You were always so gentle and kind whenever I felt I needed help. All the times I thought I was strong enough to prepare for a longer and stable relationship with you. But never knew I would become fragile one day and felt so emotional and depressed thinking of giving up... If you ever ask me if I regretted making the choice. I didn't. However I didn't expected myself to have a hard times going through NC and breakup.
Initially, I wanted back together... because I realised I couldn't handled the thought of "missing you" well. I thought the reason I miss you was I really love you and couldn't live without you. But ever since, I initiated the quarrel with you of questioning our feelings toward each other. I finally felt the pit of utter disappointment. I was again pinning myself on you. It was my own doing of making myself hurt so much. The anger within me and the fear of hurting again were the main motivation for me to get through the "missing" period. Honestly speaking, sometimes I would still go back to gym hoping that we would bump onto each other again but refuse to think this will break our NC... Other times I convinced myself that I have to keep the promise of NC.
It was ironic.
Now things were getting better... I felt my "missing you" heart was healing itself. I learnt to embrace myself to the people who still love me, opened my heart only to my loved ones. Never ever thought my mother embrace was so warm and peaceful. I hugged her just like I hugged you. Somehow my heavy heart had got itself lifted up and feel like this period doesn't seem to be such a huge problem.
I still miss you... I miss the times we were together. But my mind seem to shut off all the problems we had and gradually I stop thinking about regaining back our relationship... Not forever... but maybe just for now... I don't know... I don't want to terrify myself with all the worry. All I know is I have to get though this period first.
Getting throught this period is definitely never easy no matter how broken a relationship can be. I thought I almost fall into depression because of the depressed feeling lingering within me for days. My thought were filled with negativity, Even though right now I was surrounded with lively people, I am still feeling depressed... All I wanted was a space for me to "mourn". A lot of other things happened and when they are all accumulated up, I realised I was about to explode. I knew I was going to hurt the people who loved me consciously but I wanted to look for ways to relief "sandwhiched" feeling...
I felt I changed.
I am becoming more tempered more easily. My brother told me "you shouldn't do this...shouldn't do that". But I realised that I get frustrated so easily and things didn't get to my head before I relieved again...
It was such an ugly sight of myself. And I do not have the courage to face you... to be friend with you. I am afraid I would do the same to you. Part of me hope we can meet up and contact each other again soon but another me hope you wouldn't contact me anytime soon until I settled my emotional issue...
I watched a show and it was quite true with the quote saying,
"Time will never heal the wound, but it will only help you get used to the hurt."
Probably our relationship was just a small peasy problem as compared to other people going through. But this gives me a reason to tell myself I have to learn live through and stop waiting for time to heal my emotion. Everything need effort. If one do not put in effort, thing will still remain the same. Waiting for time to heal will just make you going thru this period at a longer and slower pace.Trying to get up and going thru this period will rather hasten the painful period.
For putting me going thru this period and again and again made me fall into disappointment. I wish you can apologise to me even though you don't intend to go back into relationship. All I want to hear from you is:
"Sorry that I have hurt you...."
"I'm sorry."
I hope you realised you have hurt me enough. I don't want to hear any disappointment from you anymore... Maybe for now... maybe.
Right now the only thing I can do to myself is to learn to be more forgiving to myself. Tell myself that it is okay to miss. It is okay to let out your emotion... Don't worry Michelle, everything will be okay. You can do it.
I learnt to continue to focus other stuffs... Keep myself busy... Embrace the people who still love and care for me... Time goes by and now I am getting better at it... I have begin to accept the fact that it is natural to miss the person who was once a part of you. At times I would reminiscence our sweet and loving period awhile but then full-stop. Move on and continue to where I stop.
Goodbye my sweetheart. You finally did it what you firmly wanted.
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