BoyFriend thoughts.....

To continue from my previous post....<there are some words that i wish to say it out about him...>

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Right now i felt like my negativity towards his family had made him to decide he doesn't wish to bond with my family... i felt like this is so messy right now.

"Dear next time when we have a family i wanna move out from your house"

"Ok, when we have a family, i do not want to take part with your family meet-up or chit-chat day when you meet them." <he said>

"What about if we meet with our children, like family gathering?"

"If thats the case, i will come then"

Don't know why the fact that i know he doesn't like my family is fine, but the idea that he do not wish to bond even after marriage hurts and upset me... but i do not have the right to say out because i had said to him i do not like his dad... telling him not to be like his dad.. and complaining that his mum is weird...

Perhaps we were not suited to be together...

Sometimes at times i feel like his mum is better than mine... being less emotional and less demanding...

My mum had confronted him on text... and since then he did not like her... it is so messy... and it also pushed him away much more.

I don't know.. it just felt after 3 years with him... we had fallen into a messy state. And all these unhealthy remarks and behavior had led us being less supportive towards each other. And i kind of regretted it.

Perhaps i shouldn't had said it too bluntly.

Do i miss him? No. But i miss the memories spending time with him.Going date with him alone had made me be myself. Learnt that not everything is being physical...

The chances that he will read my blog is 0 as well... cause.. he doesn't stalk people on social media... he is too mentally strong.. too discipline...

People said he is weird... couldn't click with him.. but i do not think he is weird... he is just too mentally strong that he doesn't need people in his life... but yes he still do crave attention from people to know what in his life...

But then again, i know he is a very lonely guy and for that he had been thru alot to become what he is now. Even when i talk to him or with him i could feel it...

Sebas i know the right to do is to wish you could get your right happiness but i can't do it right now... i still had a tinge of unbearable of letting you go.. aka to fully erase you out of my life...

but i wish that you won't be lonely anymore... and learn to open up your trouble to parents and ask them for help... even though they know you could handle.. but if you ever lost, you have to tell them... cause sometimes you just say without thinking. Sometimes i felt this is damaging to our relationship.

And you are never weird. i understand your loneliness.

And i wish you can come back to me with understanding on how to overcoming relationship issue.. (e.g. communication and opening up) Sometimes it is tiring that you are not able to see both sides of our shoes... while sometimes i had to explain to you. and you felt like this is all your fault... And then again, not able to suggest for solution or compromises but instead taking everything in to yourself.

And if time rewind back.. i wish we are never together but instead become friends.. and perhaps we would not have become stranger. And maybe we could be best friend and i would have fully wish you for your happiness. 

So to sum up i kind of regretted on accepting to have relationship with you...

I had enough of dating guys that is inexperienced in relationship or having gf for the first time.

I hate it already... Guys that is not mature enough to know how to relationship problem together...

And fucking hate the phase "this is not your fault... it's my problem".

Even to the drinking-beer guy friend, i had enough... overcoming rejection is one thing but communicating in relationship is another story... loving for my best version is one thing but accepting and continue to love after knowing my worst version is another thing.

From here, i guess i am getting more realistic in choosing my boyfriend. Opening myself up to the right person...


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Now i feel better after ranting out my anger and sadness...
Good Night.

Dear Blog updates from me ....

Hi Mr Blog,

I have realised that it had been a year since i wrote down my feeling here.

Once again, i am feeling much heart ache that i need to find space to pour out my feeling...

This year marks the day i broke up my boyfriend... (my 2nd relationship) - exactly end of Jan 19.

I felt like i am crying but i can't cried with my tears out. Its strange but... it felt alittle suffocating. But it's probably because breaking up is the right thing to do for us. Right now i don't even know if i still love him. It has been 2 months plus...

I have already stop yearning for him, stop thinking abt him, how his life is going on. But i still dreaded looking at his insta posts. Something that made me feel like he is getting better while i am falling into darkness. I still feared of going back to Telegram, fear of triggering that upset thoughts and breakup memories.

Sometimes i hate him sometimes i wish there is a second chance... sometimes i feel it is better off without him... And have he ever thought of wanting me back together..?

But i can't hate too much because i had my responsibility causing him to break-up. I just feel guilty...

If there is only thing that i wish i could take it back... is that i shouldn't have break-off the friendship between him... i could have continue my conversation with him after he replied.. perhaps he may not reply back but at least i have given out what i want to be with him...

There is nothing i could do for this relationship anymore. He has given up already... and even if we did back together... i couldn't guarantee that i will be a better gf that he want me to be. I am needy, lonely and pessimistic.. and yet all these time he had accepted me for what i am. I guess i am only ready to be back with him when i am more independent and love myself... and willing to fully give
rather than take in relationship.


I do not know when i could met a guy that is better or could accept like me...

Right now all i want is to explore and find what i love to do... what makes me happy within.. focusing on my life.. on my future career.. my development...

And if there is any last word to my boyfriend is that i wish i could love you more as i should given out more to you... saying more forgiving words to u.. openly hugging u when u felt troubled... saying sorry in person when i did wrong... learning to love your family more... accepting them... telling myself that i should spare time for my other life.

I am sorry Sebas. <tbh writing his name here hurts me right now>
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Two years after previous post

To my dear blog,

It has been such awhile since I had posted my rants and emotion online. All these two years I had been busy with work and dating. Now recently, I had gotten myself a degree part-time study... Finally I had  made a step forward to my milestone and life.

For once, i felt like i am alive.

New things and phases are coming toward me, and I didn't expected myself to be feeling excited about it.. even tho it is STUDY.

I'm now going thru my third semester of school. And wow, comparing with the people in my workplace, there are awesome people in my class who could bring me joy and new breathe. I feel like my choice was not limited, i had so many chances of meeting new people, new potential partners (secretly) and new eye-opener of IT- knowledge.

Sound boring but trust me.. the knowledge you learnt is quite interesting... Of course this can't guarantee that it can last for many years.. hmm

It was thanks to my study that I had met this awesome guy(s), one was attached but another is single. Both were great and cheerful. But definitely I can't eye on the attached one. While, the single guy, he is really nice. To be honest, better than my current, but i know how much my current had put in effort and how much time we had spent and been thru together...

Ok back to single.

He is.. kind, friendly, thoughtful.. and not really bad-looking. I'm surprised he is still single tho. *confused* Like for example, he could remind me that assignment is coming up, telling me not to forget my class.. sometimes late at night, he would text me not to stay up too late etc. Probably it was just a normal caring as a friend, but certainly the initiative really touched me (alittle or more?). Which.. my current had previously lacked... (Now he is better, often checking back on me :) )

I almost consider him as my potential. But too bad I am attached and it wont be fair to my current too.

I had to let him go before i sink any further.....

I'm glad i did not gave up on my conscience. Because some part of me still love my current... and I didn't even realised until my friend said... (Damn..)

Alright, I shall stop here. 1.20Am and I am working tmr..


I had so much to share but i will do it another. Adios :))

Nights~

Loneliness in Love

i so fcking hate u...

and fcking hate myself for not able to leave you so soon

the loneliness u gave me is killing me

yet u never seem to see and understand what im going thru

i could erase the pain but it will be complete all gone

only what ended up is leaving myself hanging





y are u still so coldless at the end of the day

will it be better if we left each and our ownself

will it be better if i walk off...

will it be better if i forget u

only the friends closest to me see and understand...

yet u were so faraway busy for studies

y u were so cold...

y u were so distant...



i wish i could forget u...

i will miss u but probably the pain i had myself inflicted wont be so much as i miss u....

Emo Rants

why do i feel unexcited when my parent suggested me dating idea with him... ?

i understand that sometimes it was my doing that we only met once a week and also due to his busy work-study schedule. I just wish he could see thru my real self. Rather than seeing me always being emo.

I agreed that I have low upbeat energy and when I had, it will spend up instantly especially when there were so many people around. 

I don't really mean to drag him down... but sometimes i wish he can understand y im feeling that way...

I wanted him to spend time with me whole-fully, rather than meeting up because we are couple. I wish he see me in a different way. Be there for me, comfort me and bring me to see the world...

I have little or no friend. My existing friend always said to plan a meetup but in the end she was too busy to do so. It was annoying that she did not verbally admit that she was sorry she couldn't find the time to do so because she has work study and in relationship. 

and the most disappointing was when she said she was alone shopping around, she was actually with her bf, when i thought i could spend a girl out time together. but then it was probably due to me being lonely that i become very sensitive and weak.

sometimes i feel so disgustingly useless of myself that i should have broke up and leave everyone here. Then let myself start afresh somewhere no one know me.

I have beeen friendless for so many years. tho in the past i had confidence and the positive attitude to meet up new people. and take part thing i had never done up. 

but somehow part of me just suddenly want to be myself. Im tired having to put myself as a upbeat and outgoing person. when i began to stop doing, people start to drift apart and become busy with their lives.

Everything back to square one.

There are so many stuff i wanted to do...

Rockclimbing

Solo travelling/ travelling

Putting up contact lens

Make-up and dress-up

Pedicure

right now my goal is to find out what career I enjoy doing... do the stuff that I had never did when i was a teenager. 

Then from thr i will start to work on taking up courses, investing courses that are more value added to my own being and work. 

Perhaps during part-time study, i will try to save up for my future. Travel and housing etc.Family... I guess i could only help to support some of the expenses. :x

I suppose what i am fortunate now is I knew a friend that accept me and always has a kind heart to cheer me up, make me feel less lonely. Take me out to see the world. Fulfill the things that i wanna do as a teenager. And most of all, never look down on me...

and im fortunate that i have a boyfriend that do not judge me, confidence, cheerful and independent in his future. tho the few downside he has was he dk how to spend time in relationship? 

I wish i could take the time to talk abt our relationship. What he look for? What is his priority? What did he actually see me as...? How much attention or thought he gives to his gf or potential partner.

Because i knew we were not compatible in our hobbies. and I really hope he sees me as a reliable gf or a gf he can trust... tho i know im weak and emo.

28 Nov 15-- trip with family at JB

Almost had an argument with my parents during the 2 hours of KTV... All things become so sucky when it ended and had to step out from that dark room.

And then faced everyone with our moody attitude...

I didnt know I had such an attitude to others until I ignored a young saleboy... As well as hearing in and out from nagging mum, and keeping my mouth shut from commenting anything.

BUT...

Leaving aside the negativity, perhaps it is normal to show our own negative self to your family even in public. Maybe... this may even allows us to accept our true-self and not afraid to show it to our close ones. Naturally, it will make us feel more comfortable to express ourselves and enjoy people company when we are free to be ourselves.

Guess it is not always a bad thing to argue with our parents quite "once awhile" in public ^-^

But... Hey, my mum was actually nagging about me in a public toilet where there were people around... *that was so embarrassing* I could only argue a little, kept quiet and slowly leave the toilet. ^-^"



I always hope and envious of seeing small group of friends meeting up together... They could be small but I could feel that they are just like small family filled with warmth... Heck I even saw a gal digging gold infront of her friends. *salute*  And you can see that they are happily conversing random stuff, and halfway thru when they realised enjoyed each other company, they laughed out lightly with no reason...

That sense of pure bliss was priceless... it was as if it is their second home right after their family.

I hope I could do the same for my poly gal friends... Can't believe that I hugged her after not seeing her physically for a few months only... And to my dear, I hope I could see my dear opened up to his friends truthfully as rather than talking to break the ice although it was good...

And to end with a happy song! :)

Nothing to feel proud of myself....

Hello blog,

It was really boring to stay at home all day due to my sickness. Cant believe that how much I have changed when I really love to stay at home all day long 2 years ago...

I guess habit and lifestyle really could just change drastically...

I keep pondering about life, people around me and fantasy where I could be freed and away from my parents... Wonder how it freed it will be that I could make my own decision, all the rubbish that I made myself... and learn what living yourself truly mean... And perhaps I could change into a person who know everything... able to think... and plan correctly...

I also ponder on future... how the person or the people that I love think of me... Am I naive... Am I dumb... Am I useless to them... And lastly how much I give them what they need or rather if I have the ability to give them what they need...

I'm sorry for the people that try hard to love and accept me... because I myself was nothing worth to be known... I cant do things properly... Nothing for them to wow... and basically just a boring gal who just trying to look for own life...

I'm so envious of friends that are able to taste live fully... experience it fully... and their courage to do it....

Should I go for it too?

Should I make the step to live away from my parents... ?

Or maybe be the least extreme way, like going holiday on a solo trip or with friends .... if there is...

Sometimes I just wished I could be away from them... stop hearing their criticism ... stop interfering...

And I guessed I shouldnt have involved the person that love me and suffer by my own insecurity and imperfections... My own internal problems...

I love them all... but I do not want to be the burden for them. I am fine with myself living this life like this alone but do not wish my other half going thru the same stuff as me... If there is need I would let go of him... Find the right person that you deserve...

And then at the same time, I will look for time to heal me... Searching for my own life... Learn myself more. And when I gained my own acceptance and love myself, I guess I will invite my other half to share my new life... Something that I could finally be proud of myself...