Hi Mr Blog,
I have realised that it had been a year since i wrote down my feeling here.
Once again, i am feeling much heart ache that i need to find space to pour out my feeling...
This year marks the day i broke up my boyfriend... (my 2nd relationship) - exactly end of Jan 19.
I felt like i am crying but i can't cried with my tears out. Its strange but... it felt alittle suffocating. But it's probably because breaking up is the right thing to do for us. Right now i don't even know if i still love him. It has been 2 months plus...
I have already stop yearning for him, stop thinking abt him, how his life is going on. But i still dreaded looking at his insta posts. Something that made me feel like he is getting better while i am falling into darkness. I still feared of going back to Telegram, fear of triggering that upset thoughts and breakup memories.
Sometimes i hate him sometimes i wish there is a second chance... sometimes i feel it is better off without him... And have he ever thought of wanting me back together..?
But i can't hate too much because i had my responsibility causing him to break-up. I just feel guilty...
If there is only thing that i wish i could take it back... is that i shouldn't have break-off the friendship between him... i could have continue my conversation with him after he replied.. perhaps he may not reply back but at least i have given out what i want to be with him...
There is nothing i could do for this relationship anymore. He has given up already... and even if we did back together... i couldn't guarantee that i will be a better gf that he want me to be. I am needy, lonely and pessimistic.. and yet all these time he had accepted me for what i am. I guess i am only ready to be back with him when i am more independent and love myself... and willing to fully give
rather than take in relationship.
I do not know when i could met a guy that is better or could accept like me...
Right now all i want is to explore and find what i love to do... what makes me happy within.. focusing on my life.. on my future career.. my development...
And if there is any last word to my boyfriend is that i wish i could love you more as i should given out more to you... saying more forgiving words to u.. openly hugging u when u felt troubled... saying sorry in person when i did wrong... learning to love your family more... accepting them... telling myself that i should spare time for my other life.
I am sorry Sebas. <tbh writing his name here hurts me right now>
========================================================================
I have realised that it had been a year since i wrote down my feeling here.
Once again, i am feeling much heart ache that i need to find space to pour out my feeling...
This year marks the day i broke up my boyfriend... (my 2nd relationship) - exactly end of Jan 19.
I felt like i am crying but i can't cried with my tears out. Its strange but... it felt alittle suffocating. But it's probably because breaking up is the right thing to do for us. Right now i don't even know if i still love him. It has been 2 months plus...
I have already stop yearning for him, stop thinking abt him, how his life is going on. But i still dreaded looking at his insta posts. Something that made me feel like he is getting better while i am falling into darkness. I still feared of going back to Telegram, fear of triggering that upset thoughts and breakup memories.
Sometimes i hate him sometimes i wish there is a second chance... sometimes i feel it is better off without him... And have he ever thought of wanting me back together..?
But i can't hate too much because i had my responsibility causing him to break-up. I just feel guilty...
If there is only thing that i wish i could take it back... is that i shouldn't have break-off the friendship between him... i could have continue my conversation with him after he replied.. perhaps he may not reply back but at least i have given out what i want to be with him...
There is nothing i could do for this relationship anymore. He has given up already... and even if we did back together... i couldn't guarantee that i will be a better gf that he want me to be. I am needy, lonely and pessimistic.. and yet all these time he had accepted me for what i am. I guess i am only ready to be back with him when i am more independent and love myself... and willing to fully give
rather than take in relationship.
I do not know when i could met a guy that is better or could accept like me...
Right now all i want is to explore and find what i love to do... what makes me happy within.. focusing on my life.. on my future career.. my development...
And if there is any last word to my boyfriend is that i wish i could love you more as i should given out more to you... saying more forgiving words to u.. openly hugging u when u felt troubled... saying sorry in person when i did wrong... learning to love your family more... accepting them... telling myself that i should spare time for my other life.
I am sorry Sebas. <tbh writing his name here hurts me right now>
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