Emo Rants

why do i feel unexcited when my parent suggested me dating idea with him... ?

i understand that sometimes it was my doing that we only met once a week and also due to his busy work-study schedule. I just wish he could see thru my real self. Rather than seeing me always being emo.

I agreed that I have low upbeat energy and when I had, it will spend up instantly especially when there were so many people around. 

I don't really mean to drag him down... but sometimes i wish he can understand y im feeling that way...

I wanted him to spend time with me whole-fully, rather than meeting up because we are couple. I wish he see me in a different way. Be there for me, comfort me and bring me to see the world...

I have little or no friend. My existing friend always said to plan a meetup but in the end she was too busy to do so. It was annoying that she did not verbally admit that she was sorry she couldn't find the time to do so because she has work study and in relationship. 

and the most disappointing was when she said she was alone shopping around, she was actually with her bf, when i thought i could spend a girl out time together. but then it was probably due to me being lonely that i become very sensitive and weak.

sometimes i feel so disgustingly useless of myself that i should have broke up and leave everyone here. Then let myself start afresh somewhere no one know me.

I have beeen friendless for so many years. tho in the past i had confidence and the positive attitude to meet up new people. and take part thing i had never done up. 

but somehow part of me just suddenly want to be myself. Im tired having to put myself as a upbeat and outgoing person. when i began to stop doing, people start to drift apart and become busy with their lives.

Everything back to square one.

There are so many stuff i wanted to do...

Rockclimbing

Solo travelling/ travelling

Putting up contact lens

Make-up and dress-up

Pedicure

right now my goal is to find out what career I enjoy doing... do the stuff that I had never did when i was a teenager. 

Then from thr i will start to work on taking up courses, investing courses that are more value added to my own being and work. 

Perhaps during part-time study, i will try to save up for my future. Travel and housing etc.Family... I guess i could only help to support some of the expenses. :x

I suppose what i am fortunate now is I knew a friend that accept me and always has a kind heart to cheer me up, make me feel less lonely. Take me out to see the world. Fulfill the things that i wanna do as a teenager. And most of all, never look down on me...

and im fortunate that i have a boyfriend that do not judge me, confidence, cheerful and independent in his future. tho the few downside he has was he dk how to spend time in relationship? 

I wish i could take the time to talk abt our relationship. What he look for? What is his priority? What did he actually see me as...? How much attention or thought he gives to his gf or potential partner.

Because i knew we were not compatible in our hobbies. and I really hope he sees me as a reliable gf or a gf he can trust... tho i know im weak and emo.