Reminiscing him again

Today went off to have a short walk around the mountain top...

It was so quiet and peaceful... that I realised the amount of worries I had all the time is nothing as compared to the world outside, as compared to the beauty of Mother Nature.

It was so hard to describe how beautiful standing on the mountain top is... How beautiful the view is... It was such a pity that I did not bring my phone along. Sigh.

BUT I can describe the calmness I felt. It was really a sudden urge of gentleness and calmness that had made me open myself up to this huge-ness.  It taught me to see things in a different angle... Hmmm... All the time we were always so busy and caught up in our own daily life within our four walls... within our own circle of life. 

I guess when we experience life in a different angle, we will realise how small our problems are, how small our worries are... 

As I sat down on the ledge of the mountain road, I began to ponder about all the worries I had with him... 

With an overwhelming peaceful state of mind of my own, I dug out and learnt my most purest (It think so) form of feeling of him. I love him to bits... And this naked feeling... I found out that our shared feeling were exclusive. Maybe because this is my first love... As though nothing can be replaced. We were so much alike, as though me and him are becoming as one person. It was like this person does not exist besides me though he was physically besides me... That comfort was there.

How I wish I could share this beautiful moment with him.

And then tell him what I had written here.

Hold hands together and walk along the mountain road... No need to talk but enjoy the peaceful and thought about our own life...

I love him...

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Probably I should change my career as well. I felt I am so belong to Mother Nature... Work myself with the trees and animals... Fill my life with these beautiful sceneries.

Forget the pain. Embrace the beauty.

Please let me believe in this. Because my mind has been going on for battle for weeks...
Please hold onto me...

我的小小的世界

人人都常跟我说：

“对人要小心， 不要容易被骗。人说什么未必是对的。。。不要傻傻地被跟”

不过不管我这么做。这么不理。 我始终还是那个傻傻那个笨笨的 女人。 

那个单纯的本性总是阻止我

总是让我烦恼

让我很虚弱

让我心软。。。

在我这个小小的世界里， 我曾相信人的好。每个人都有好的一面。 但是人害怕受伤所以决定只保护自己。 

自己曾经也是这样。 

不过发现心里很难受。 发现自己总不快乐。。。

有时很羡慕这些坚强自我的人， 能够坚持自己的承诺。 答应自己不会再受同样的伤。。。

而我是个容易受到外影响。容易从痛苦中逃掉，害怕我不能坚持下去。。。

最后决定放开我自己。 噢尔在生活上会被从前的痛苦喊呐着我。

但是那个单纯的我让我相信好的一面。相信只要你传达好的气，别人也会还你。

曾经有个原则， 说“别把事情搞得复杂。 简简单单就好了“

但是长大的过程中发现周围的人没有带着同样的原则。 

噢尔对他们感到烦恼。。。

问自己为什么要为他们感到烦恼。

现在的我发现了。

发现原则是从我们的行动制出来了。

从幻想中做出自己的原则总是让自己不开心。让自己感到困难。

何必要这样辛苦呢？

或许学着接受自己的弱点。自己不完美的地方学着放开， 让自己爱上你自己。

就而言之你会发现有些事情是小小的事。

是我们的不安的缺点让我们很焦急。。。

现在说了这么多， 自己才发现单纯和不完美是如何有什么关系的呢？

。。。。。。。。。。。。

现在我的原则就是 “好好地把事做好， 不要让自己留下内疚的心。”

再见了秉志 goodbye love.... [bz]

离开你很幸苦。。。
一个月过了。但是我的心还是依然为了你而哭泣。


看到你试着地放开我
而我自己的倔强，执著又让你回到伤心的日子

对不起。。。

我会跟我自己说“我会好好地安慰自己。好好的面对自己的寂寞与悲伤。不会再把你卷入我的悲伤”

你就放心吧·秉志

不用再为我感到伤心了

不用再为了承诺而受到委屈。。。

跟着你崭新的生活重新寻回你的快乐和梦想

我会好好地祝福你。。。

我会默默地在你生活消失。

再见了秉志。



不晓在那个未来能让我的心完全地放下你的小鸡就对你说：

“就此一游。。。 亲爱”

“看伤心慢慢痊愈 我会好好地安慰我自己
宁愿相信你 只是突然改变了决定 去了另一个美丽城市
也等着我入境” 

-郭静，不药而愈

Emo Song #1 and again my thoughts about him

Playing this song on loop because the lyric itself does somehow describe what I thought of him...

Lately, I have been feeling depressed and sad... Err no maybe I am sad and emo every single day... Thinking about the fact that he will contact me or not... and hoping someone could comfort me... hope I could recover faster... hope I can complete IPPT ASAP...

Pray that everything can happen... Just like a magic wand... One swing and all my wishes came true...

Today I saw him posted a video in FB. Finally he did... god... I have been thinking what has happened to him for the past few weeks... Why he stopped posting...

I felt sad when I realised that he could have move on and feel much better and happier than me ever since we stop contacting. It was as though I was the only one being left alone... being stuck in here. He probably do not need me at all anymore... It is better off to never contact at all. :(

His video post left some comments and I saw someone I did not know commented. It is probably his new friend he met in his new base... I guess he will forget me once he gets into his next stage of career... his new environment and working lifestyle... He will be happier at there and decided to let go of our promises...

So many times I told myself that I will keep myself busy and indeed I had written down all the list. What only left for me is to start doing them. But then I told myself I will start doing them once he begin to contact me back... so that I can finally relieved myself for fulfilling our promises.

Before that, the only thing I can forget my sadness is to keep playing... Until it is time to sleep.

Then keep playing Dota with guy friends and LoL...

I will be waiting Bing...

First gaming with friends!

Yayy! I finally got a chance to game with friends! Weee! Even though they are all guy friends but still it is better than nothing!

I am so glad that they asked and invited me. Finally I am able to enjoy doing the things I enjoyed with friends. Thank you! :')

Ever since I started to fall in love with gaming, I have never dare to tell my friends to play especially female. Because I feel they will judge me as being "no life" and "you-are-not-a-guy". I don't know but there is always a certain expectation you have to show in front of your friend... Probably that is the reason why I have never really open my heart out.

Although I would prefer playing LoL with them rather than Dota 2, I want to use this opportunity to have a try what it feels like to play with friends with the thing you love to do...

Thanks god for giving me this opportunities to experience. Thanks :)

Dear BZ, Still keeping promises?

I saw my ex-coursemate today on the bus... and had a small talk.

He asked me, "How is bing zhi?"

Then I said,"we stopped contact for awhile. Maybe we will contact again in the future. Maybe not..."

I saw his instant surprised look... and asked again,"are you serious?"

"Ya..."

Somehow my expression was awkwardly calm but unconsciously, my mind told me that I should not keep thinking backward whenever I tried to thought about the hope of contacting back again.

And so, after a short silence, he composed himself and back to his normal expression.

I wanted to tell him that I wish he [BZ] could call and meet me again... But I know doing that will find myself trying to whine in front of a guy. Which is an ugly sight... It is better off that I keep it to myself and write it here.

Then he jokingly told me, "oh you already found someone you like at there ah?"

And of course not, I am still planning to wait for him 1-2 months first... Uncontrollably I found myself blushing as if I am fantasising again. :'( because I know if I expected too much for myself, I will be the one hurting myself the most. So the best description is only "fantasizing"...

Just like a girl fantasizing her own idol...her crush. Because she knows it is impossible.

The reason I said that we may not be contacting in the future is the fact that we had an argument during NC period because of tweets issue. I know it seems small right now but at that time I felt too disappointed that I had to let him know... and because of the argument, I began to think if he had changed his mind of not contacting me back.

I chose to remain not asking him back even after NC because I do not want to always be the one initiating. If he wants to contact me, he would have done so... And I wish he will contact me...
=======================================================================

Tomorrow is a good friday. And is a public holiday. I thought it was a very good opportunity for us to meet up the first time after no contact. But from the silence reply or message I didn't received, I guess it wasn't.

Maybe...because of the argument during NC that he decided to contact me back exactly after 30 days of not total contacting.

Or maybe... he feels it is better off we never contact each other again.

Either way and I try to stop myself keep contemplating them... Because of them, I had made my mistake again just like the twitter incident... and caused me a lot of unnecessary worries.

I decided to blog it out here because I wanted to release this pathetic state of mine. I felt I was a ball waiting to be rolled and thrown around... It was pathetic. I wanted him to contact me back but I had to give him the space, time and respect. As I am writing this now, I do not know why but wonder how he feels right now.

I wanted to know the answer but I know he can easily feel pressurized... and if it does, he probably feel it is better off we stop contacting. I couldn't imagined this happened. And so, I would rather write everything here than asking him directly...

I wish he could read this... understand where I am coming from... It was hard for me to tell you directly because I know if I said wrongly, I worried you will let go of me... even as a friend. Even now, writing all these feeling and thoughts here, I feel I was about to burst into tears.

I probably couldn't bear the thought of losing you completely. Or maybe it was disappointment.

I wish but can only fantasize that we are going out on Good Friday and not staying at home gaming and do other stuff. We will be chatting happily, asking each other days during NC and the happenings while sitting on bus and travelling aimlessly. With no worry at all.

Before I end this post, let listen to this song. Because it relates to how I feels right now...

:emo: