Hello blog,
It was really boring to stay at home all day due to my sickness. Cant believe that how much I have changed when I really love to stay at home all day long 2 years ago...
I guess habit and lifestyle really could just change drastically...
I keep pondering about life, people around me and fantasy where I could be freed and away from my parents... Wonder how it freed it will be that I could make my own decision, all the rubbish that I made myself... and learn what living yourself truly mean... And perhaps I could change into a person who know everything... able to think... and plan correctly...
I also ponder on future... how the person or the people that I love think of me... Am I naive... Am I dumb... Am I useless to them... And lastly how much I give them what they need or rather if I have the ability to give them what they need...
I'm sorry for the people that try hard to love and accept me... because I myself was nothing worth to be known... I cant do things properly... Nothing for them to wow... and basically just a boring gal who just trying to look for own life...
I'm so envious of friends that are able to taste live fully... experience it fully... and their courage to do it....
Should I go for it too?
Should I make the step to live away from my parents... ?
Or maybe be the least extreme way, like going holiday on a solo trip or with friends .... if there is...
Sometimes I just wished I could be away from them... stop hearing their criticism ... stop interfering...
And I guessed I shouldnt have involved the person that love me and suffer by my own insecurity and imperfections... My own internal problems...
I love them all... but I do not want to be the burden for them. I am fine with myself living this life like this alone but do not wish my other half going thru the same stuff as me... If there is need I would let go of him... Find the right person that you deserve...
And then at the same time, I will look for time to heal me... Searching for my own life... Learn myself more. And when I gained my own acceptance and love myself, I guess I will invite my other half to share my new life... Something that I could finally be proud of myself...
It was really boring to stay at home all day due to my sickness. Cant believe that how much I have changed when I really love to stay at home all day long 2 years ago...
I guess habit and lifestyle really could just change drastically...
I keep pondering about life, people around me and fantasy where I could be freed and away from my parents... Wonder how it freed it will be that I could make my own decision, all the rubbish that I made myself... and learn what living yourself truly mean... And perhaps I could change into a person who know everything... able to think... and plan correctly...
I also ponder on future... how the person or the people that I love think of me... Am I naive... Am I dumb... Am I useless to them... And lastly how much I give them what they need or rather if I have the ability to give them what they need...
I'm sorry for the people that try hard to love and accept me... because I myself was nothing worth to be known... I cant do things properly... Nothing for them to wow... and basically just a boring gal who just trying to look for own life...
I'm so envious of friends that are able to taste live fully... experience it fully... and their courage to do it....
Should I go for it too?
Should I make the step to live away from my parents... ?
Or maybe be the least extreme way, like going holiday on a solo trip or with friends .... if there is...
Sometimes I just wished I could be away from them... stop hearing their criticism ... stop interfering...
And I guessed I shouldnt have involved the person that love me and suffer by my own insecurity and imperfections... My own internal problems...
I love them all... but I do not want to be the burden for them. I am fine with myself living this life like this alone but do not wish my other half going thru the same stuff as me... If there is need I would let go of him... Find the right person that you deserve...
And then at the same time, I will look for time to heal me... Searching for my own life... Learn myself more. And when I gained my own acceptance and love myself, I guess I will invite my other half to share my new life... Something that I could finally be proud of myself...
